The other day I Had one of my clients Risha, discussing with me how her relationship with her partner is going nowhere. There is constant bickering and it feels that nothing is happening right. On top of it she had discovered that harsh was cheating on her.
“ I found pictures and explicit exchange of messages loaded with desire. I feel so broken, Kavita.” she told me. It took me atleast ten sessions to come to terms with her mindset and restore faith in her relationship. It also took me to meet Harsh in our last two sessions for the simple reason that some times it takes some one else to push a trigger inside you.
As much as I have seen friends, family, clients come to me to talk about their broken hearts, mostly the issue is an affair that has leaked, or some fatal attraction that is tempting oneself to break out of the mundane routines.
TOGETHERNESS to me has become TO GET THERE NEST. It means it takes two to build a nest and you would need to keep away your digital gadgets and be two of you to build it. You need to look into each others eyes when you talk. Love today means an escape from the disappointments.
Earlier Love was hard to get, today love is difficult to sustain. It is easier to fall in love, but difficult to maintain it as creative as it was once upon a time. It is difficult to partner each other’s deep secrets, deep mistakes, deep fears without being judgemental and putting illegitimate pressures of your past trauma on your partner.
It is not so much a sexual desire that leads people to cheat for I have seen the happiest people straying. People who would give their one arm and leg to save their marriage will go out and be blasphemous in temptation, putting everything at stake. Why is that?
Human beings have two basic needs. One is that of connection, emotional bonding. togetherness, intimacy, union, sexual intensity and paradoxically other is of independence, adventure, fun, newness. Hence it explains why even people in open relationships have secret affairs. We believe that unless we are hiding it we are not doing what we really want to do.
Else how would you explain a fact and an era where taking a divorce is not as much as a shame or taboo as earlier people still stray and are secretive. Clients often ask me what is the percentage of people cheating. One I don’t know what cheating is actually. For me cheating begins in mind. For me body plays a very insignificant role. If on a need pyramid my partner cheats on a physical level I might be able to forgive him easier than when he strays emotionally leaving me to become his low priority. For me cheating is when some one abuses another physically. When a partner contempts the another, When one insults the another in public or even in private. For me all this is betrayal. Only sexual betrayal is much more talked about and judged easily.
Men can get away being promiscuous because since older times for men it is boasting to show off and talk about their affairs. On the contrary for women it is a a challenge to hide and keep them secret. However 90 % of people are involved in some format of infidelity. Yet everyone will advise against it. no wonder we are living contradictions.
The definition of monogamy has changed over a period of time. earlier it was being with one partner for life.Nowadays it is being monogamous at a time. You would often hear people saying that I believe in staying with one person at a time. Earlier we had to marry to have sex but now we marry and stop having sex with others. The future of marriages is bleak. The era is dynamic in nature and we are so conscious about self and uniqueness of our nature. We expect our partners to become complete and perfect half of ours. Then we got forward and change.
Also we take affairs much seriously than any other thing in a relationship and compare it with our own self worth. I remember Risha asking me, “How will I ever trust him again.” Why not? People also ask me if I am pro affairs. No I am not. As much as I am not pro rapes. As much as I am not pro sicknesses like cancers and Aids. Yet it happens. Adultery has been around for millions of years for various reasons. Yet I believe there is nothing from which we cannot be healed.
You can either let an affair crush everything that you have built or ask questions that make you grow over it. As to why it happened. What became so monotonous? what can we together recreate and rebuild
So for me it is creating and recreating your life together with the same partner. Understand that your first marriage or chapter one or episode one or series one or season one is over. Whatever way you might like to call it. Are you ready to create a dream life or a second season once again with the same partner? If yes then there is no stopping. Let every affair, every trauma be part of lessons to be taught by destiny.
*Kavita is the Founder of MIND TRIBE workshops and Wisdom Valley. Also a successful full time mother and an author of a book FEW MOMENTS OF LETTING GO